It has been 2 months since Fitness New England and I have been doing quite a bit of thinking. About what you ask? Well, I have had these internal struggles with making the decision to take a break or stop competing all together. I'm acting like I am a lifer here but it has become an important part of my life within the past year, that it's a really challenging decision. Coming off a first place win you might be wondering why on earth would you want to stop competing? It's a really difficult decision for me because I absolutely love some aspects of competing and hate others. I love my coach and my team and it's a bonding experience you share together. Not many people can understand what it's like to do a show and you become really close with your teammates and parts of me would really miss having that connection. My other love is the stage. Every moment of prep I anxiously await to get on stage, feel the lights and appreciate all the hard work that has been put in.
Why stop? There are many factors that play into this and many of them have to due to the restrictions of a competitors diet. I eat 6 meals a day all healthy and clean but I love food and I love being able to enjoy things when I want them. If you compete correctly, the diet is more of a lifestyle which it absolutely has become for me but when it comes down to the nitty griddy of competing, I hate giving up my fav foods ie (nut butters, almond milk, cottage cheese, bananas ect . To get lean and have the muscle definition you need to compete, these foods typically have to go from the diet at some point. Call me a wimp or say suck it up but when my diet becomes too rigid I start to view bananas, almond milk ect as "bad". I know they are not bad foods but mentally I struggle quite a bit post show with incorporating these healthy foods in my diet without feeling some guilt.
For me, personally, I struggle the most with post show. I haven't really skipped a beat in terms of getting back to my workout and healthy eating routine but mentally it's extremely draining. You go from seeing your body for weeks take on this amazing shape to finally being able to eat treats ect and binging ( i don't care who you are...post show we all binge) and feeling like complete shit. It's inevitable to gain weight back after a show and I found my second show much easier to deal with than my first in terms of emotional roller coaster but I still struggle. Parts of me wonder why I put my body through such rigorous measures and restrictions for 1 day. 1 freaking day. Why can't I eat my 5 to 6 meals incorporating all the clean foods I love year round, do my awesome workouts from Janelle and not have a conniption if I want a glass of wine and a cookie?
I want to be able to go on an overnight with my boyfriend and split a salad and small pizza and not feel guilty. I want to go for walks and a run now and again and not feel guilty that I am not dripping sweat and could have hit a better burn. All of these issues stem from me internally and the pressure I put on myself to do well or bring a better package to the stage each show. My coach and team provide me with the best support, diet and workouts you could ask for but mentally competing is very hard for me and I think the best decision for right now is to work on finding the balance. I want to work on my body and building muscle as well as figuring out what nutrition plan works for me everyday that incorporates clean and not so clean foods. I want to be able to say, yes, this is my body...there's no dehydration or week of show meal plan that makes it look like this...this is me everyday working hard and balancing life/treats/relationships ect.
So...there it is....that's what's going on inside my head and will I ever compete again...who knows. Right now, I want to focus on relationships, saving for a house and a future with my bf, working out and eating clean and figuring out what works for everyday life.
I want to wish all my Body Ambition teammates the best of luck with their shows this upcoming weekends. So proud of all of you and cannot wait to see updates/posts!
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