Happy Medium

After re-reading my last post I can certainly say I am in a much better place.  I have really taken the effort to nurse my back issues and feel 100% better...never underestimate the power of stretching and a foam roller!! I had to take a big step back from lifting which really sucked...received some not so nice comments about looking like I had lost muscle....IDIOT....but that's for a different day....it was all worth it.  Each new day I am lifting heavier and feeling more energized.  Increasing my calories has really made a difference. 

My typical Mon - Fri diet lately

 

I think the best part of taking a break from competing has been really getting know to the new person I've become.  It's been a year since my first show and I've become a totally different person.  The way I view workouts, food, ect...almost everything has changed.

I took a 4 month break period from my first show until February 2013 when I started prepping for April 2013.  4 months is not a long time and certainly not long enough to get to know your new body.  I really enjoyed my summer, gained a few extra lbs, skirted around cardio but I think letting my body go through all of these changes...highs and lows..has really helped to to figure out what works.  I had weeks where I didn't prep any food and weeks where I had all my meals prepped.  Weeks where I did 6 days of working out and some week's 4 but the best part was...the world didn't end.  It's life people...we can't be 100% all of the time.  I've learned meal prepping just works for me whether I am prepping or not...I like having my food ready..it's just easier.  Some days I got overwhelmed between cardio, lifting, abs ect..it made me resent the gym for a short period of time.  I love working out and I don't want to dread it so you have to do what works for you and what makes you happy. 




Sunday...not so perfect

There's nothing wrong with doing multiple shows a year but I think its important to take a step back from the regimented lifestyle of show prep and figure out the body that works for you year round.  There a many reasons people do competitions but I think to continuously do shows back to back to avoid going back to the weight or lifestyle you once lived is not the way to go.  We have to address our issues and sometimes competing is not always the answer.  Competing is great and somewhat addicting if you ask me but I have to say, I've never been happier than I am now.  I'm lifting heavier than ever, I do cardio 3 to 4 days a week, I eat well and if I want a cookie..I eat the cookie..sometimes two.  I get to bust ass on Saturday morning at the gym then meet my girlfriend for lunch and order what I want for lunch.  I'm not crabby or run down.....it's pretty awesome.   

I want to share the images below to reflect how much the body changes and this is a one year span. The first picture below was 9/28/2012, the day after my first show. Legit withered away to nothing. I look back at this photo and cringe at how skinny I was. The second image is the week before my second show 4/20/2013. Luckily I had built up some muscle in my 4 months off season so I wasn't quite as "skinny" looking and was able to hold on to some muscle. The third photo is from 9/6/13 There's no ripped abs or snazzy oblique line. I took this photo a few weeks ago because I decided I needed to step up my game and really figure out what i want. I will post a new progress pic sometime next month. Overall, it's a roller coaster ride of ripped, to bloated back to ripped and I am on the hunt to find my happy in between



I wish everyone the best in their journeys competing or not but from someone who has done both...super strict to total binge eating at points.....it's worth taking the time to find that happy medium.  I'm still not totally there...but on my way :)

I plan to post progress pics soon.  I've been pretty good the last 3 weeks with my diet and exercise so I am hoping I see some results!

My Body's a B*atch

As a bikini competitor I pride myself on pushing...pushing past my limits to be the best that I can be. Majority of the time this mentality works in my favor but lately it's almost putting a hindrance to my progress. 

Since the Foxwoods show in April I have been trying to build, which most competitors do in their off season.  The building phase can take a toll on your body and I've noticed that every time I am in a building phase my body starts to slowly go down hill.  Starting in January 2013 I was building away for the April show and I noticed this odd breathing issue I was having.  I was having a hard time catching a satisfying deep breath (if that makes any sense to anyone).  I would get a massage here and there and the masseuse would ask me if I stretch......sometimes?  It's kind of like when the dentist ask me if I floss....on the occasion? I even went to my physical and the nurse practitioner looked at my like she had no idea what I was talking about.

I would stretch for a week or two and then slowly fall out of the habit.  I don't make stretching a priority and it's starting to cause a lot of problems.  When I was getting closer to the April show and building turned into leaning and toning I noticed a slight change in my breathing and it seemed to feel better.  Fast forward to the present and I am building again and the breathing issue is back.  I hit a breaking point a two weeks ago when my body just couldn't take it any longer.  I called to book a deep tissue massage ASAP because honestly I just wanted a serious rub down LOL...I can only convince Jonathan to massage my back so much before he starts charging.  My guess is that my breathing issues are stemming from the tightness in back and it's really freaking annoyinggg!!!

I am in a state of confusion on what to do?  I am programmed to train...get out of work, go to the gym and do my workouts.  When I do my workouts I am in pain.  I started putting in the effort to stretch before and after every workout recently but realized I need to speak to a professional.  I was able to snag a free appointment with a physical therapist at my gym this week to go over my issues.  He ran some assessments and watched me do certain basic movements (squats, lunges, push ups ect) to see what areas were tight.  Shocker...my back was the big ticket item.  He recommended taking a lil break from back and bi's and going a little lighter on my weights.  He put together a pre-workout stretching program for me and I am excited to see if it makes a difference. 

So Moral of the story..listen to your body.  I haven't listened to my body in months and now it's screaming at me and she's a real biatch.  I want to build muscle and lift like a boss but if I keep up my old routine then I am going to injure myself and be out of commission.  It's a real downer to now have to take a step backwards and decrease weights ect but I need to do what's best for my body.  The foam roller and I are going to become best friends.


 

Summer Fluff

Let me be the first one to say..I have not been perfect with my diet or workouts.  I am having an absolute ball this summer going on long weekend trips to my family and trips to see my college girlfriends I haven't seen in years.  We have to prioritize what we think is important in our lives and right now I am focusing on balancing staying fit but also letting myself have a little fun.  I have been having a few cocktails on the weekends and more starches/fruits in my diet.  I have given up steady state cardio and am solely relying on my HIIT as well the burn I get from lifting.  I am lifting heavier than I ever have..mainly cause Amy, my workout partner, is increasing her weights so I go along for the ride and I am honestly surprised at what I can lift.  Sometimes I look at the weights and assume 35lbs are way to heavy for my suitcase squats.  Amy will grab them so I give them a shot and BAM...not so bad.

You may be wondering if I have weighed myself lately?  Yeah Freaking Right!  The scale has no purpose to me anymore.  It makes me crazy and I am SO over letting a number define my emotions for the day.  I am relying on the way my clothes fit, progress pics and check-ins with my coach.  I haven't really been taking progress pictures since the show ended but I think in order to really measure my progress it has to be done.  I know I have gained weight since the show which I was fully prepared for this time around.  Since I am enjoying summer so much..I am feeling a lil fluffier than usual but I am okay with it for now.  If I was being ON POINT with my diet and perfect with my workouts I would be a bit more disappointed with my photos but realistically I haven't been... you get out of it what you put in.

 

With all of that being said, I still eat 6 meals a day, drink a gallon of water and prep my food for wherever I am going.  For instance, I just came back from a great long weekend in Maine with my boyfriend and as much as I wanted to not pack a suitcase full of food it has become so ingrained in my day to day life that it's second nature.  I don't want to rely on having to go out for every meal or snack.  We ate out for dinner every night and I ordered what I wanted off the menu and had desert.  Did I feel guilty, noo!  I have been on 2 vacations in the last year where I was super strict and I needed to be able to enjoy myself. 

I did however pack bfast, lunch and snacks for each day. 

Bfast:
hard boiled eggs
Pre-made oats in zip lock bags (oats, cinnamon, stevia, chai seeds and 1 T of almond butter)
Almond milk - for my oats the main house had a microwave so I just brought Tupperware and would dump my baggies in and add almond milk and heat away.
Berries

Lunch:
Joseph's lavish wrap
Low sodium turkey
spinach
Kale Chips (from Trader Joes)

Snacks:

Cottage cheese & fruit
apples, cherries, carrots, sugar snap peas all to snack on

Seltzers: I brought 4 with my and they are life savers in terms of switching up the H20. 

I really enjoy eating clean and it makes me feel great but I do think there is a time and a place to incorporate treats and lax meals and vacation is one of them.

So here goes nothing - Progress Pics 07/11/13

Tough Decisions

It has been 2 months since Fitness New England and I have been doing quite a bit of thinking.  About what you ask? Well, I have had these internal struggles with making the decision to take a break or stop competing all together.  I'm acting like I am a lifer here but it has become an important part of my life within the past year, that it's a really challenging decision.  Coming off a first place win you might be wondering why on earth would you want to stop competing?  It's a really difficult decision for me because I absolutely love some aspects of competing and hate others.  I love my coach and my team and it's a bonding experience you share together.  Not many people can understand what it's like to do a show and you become really close with your teammates and parts of me would really miss having that connection.  My other love is the stage.  Every moment of prep I anxiously await to get on stage, feel the lights and appreciate all the hard work that has been put in. 

Why stop?  There are many factors that play into this and many of them have to due to the restrictions of a competitors diet.  I eat 6 meals a day all healthy and clean but I love food and I love being able to enjoy things when I want them.  If you compete correctly, the diet is more of a lifestyle which it absolutely has become for me but when it comes down to the nitty griddy of competing, I hate giving up my fav foods ie (nut butters, almond milk, cottage cheese, bananas ect . To get lean and have the muscle definition you need to compete, these foods typically have to go from the diet at some point.  Call me a wimp or  say suck it up but when my diet becomes too rigid I start to view bananas, almond milk ect as "bad".  I know they are not bad foods but mentally I struggle quite a bit post show with incorporating these healthy foods in my diet without feeling some guilt. 

For me, personally, I struggle the most with post show.  I haven't really skipped a beat in terms of getting back to my workout and healthy eating routine but mentally it's extremely draining.  You go from seeing your body for weeks take on this amazing shape to finally being able to eat treats ect and binging ( i don't care who you are...post show we all binge) and feeling like complete shit.  It's inevitable to gain weight back after a show and I found my second show much easier to deal with than my first in terms of emotional roller coaster but I still struggle.  Parts of me wonder why I put my body through such rigorous measures and restrictions for 1 day.  1 freaking day.  Why can't I eat my 5 to 6 meals incorporating all the clean foods I love year round, do my awesome workouts from Janelle and not have a conniption if I want a glass of wine and a cookie?

I want to be able to go on an overnight with my boyfriend and split a salad and small pizza and not feel guilty.  I want to go for walks and a run now and again and not feel guilty that I am not dripping sweat and could have hit a better burn.  All of these issues stem from me internally and the pressure I put on myself to do well or bring a better package to the stage each show.  My coach and team provide me with the best support, diet and workouts you could ask for but mentally competing is very hard for me and I think the best decision for right now is to work on finding the balance.  I want to work on my body and building muscle as well as figuring out what nutrition plan works for me everyday that incorporates clean and not so clean foods.  I want to be able to say, yes, this is my body...there's no dehydration or week of show meal plan that makes it look like this...this is me everyday working hard and balancing life/treats/relationships ect.  

So...there it is....that's what's going on inside my head and will I ever compete again...who knows.  Right now, I want to focus on relationships, saving for a house and a future with my bf, working out and eating clean and figuring out what works for everyday life. 

I want to wish all my Body Ambition teammates the best of luck with their shows this upcoming weekends.  So proud of all of you and cannot wait to see updates/posts!

Droppin' it like it's HOT

Whoa baby where do I begin?! Since my last post a lot has happened.  For starters, I am now a sponsored model for HotDrop Apparel www.hotdropapparel.com.  I went on an amazing overnight to Maine with my boyfriend, was asked to do a last minute photo shoot which resulted in making the front of HotDrop's website and made it through Memorial Day weekend!

www.hotdropapparel.com

Let's start with HotDrop!  I am a believer that everything in life happens for a reason but I also feel that we are the makers of our own destiny.  My photo shoot with David Brazier is coming up next weekend and a few weeks ago I made the decision to put myself out there!  Nothing in life has been handed to me...I consider myself a very fortunate person but I work for what I have.  If you are looking to work with a company or get sponsored you can't just wait around for them to come to you.  This may be the case for some people but personally I am well aware companies are not just going to be sending free swag my way.

To get what you want you have to take the initiative and sometimes it will work, sometimes it may not.  I reached out to HotDrop in hopes of working with them for a few reasons.  One, they are local to me, which means I am able to meet them and it's not a ton of money to travel in the chance they wanted to work together.  Two, I really like their clothing!  Go for brands or products that you like otherwise who wants to promote something you don't believe in!   HotDrop's apparel is SUPER comfortable, great for sweating since it's made for Bikram but can be worn for all fitness activities and the patterns and colors are vibrant and fun!

To my surprise and pure amazement they wanted to work with me! Before a year ago, I've never been "that girl" meaning I never win things, put myself out there or had the confidence to do this kind of stuff.  Each day is a new opportunity to become the person you have always wanted to be and I am finally seeing that! They reached out and asked if I was available for a shoot this past weekend and the Ben and Jerry's I had consumed a few days prior was the first thing that popped into my head.  My diet had not been perfect and I was terrified of not looking the part.  My coach, Janelle, made a really good point.  At this point in my new found fitness life I cannot pass down a single opportunity.  She was so right and I really could not be happier that I put my own reservations aside and just went for it!

My photo shoot was this past Sunday at their studio in Boston.  I did my own hair and makeup (HOLD THE PHONE) yes, mildly freaked out about it since the last time I curled my hair was months ago and my makeup consists of everyday going to work nothing snazzy.  As a model, which I don't consider myself at all but typically you have your makeup done but there will be occasions where you have to do things yourself.  To save money and time I decided to do some research on YouTube and pick up some stuff at Target.  I practiced a few times during the week after work and was really happy with the way it turned out! I did a mystic tan the day before the shoot $30 bucks, used hot rollers for about 45 mins morning of the shoot and did my own makeup! 

 The shoot was amazing.  Meredith, HotDrop's owner, had a great line-up of ideas for the photos.  Her husband was the photographer and the pair made me feel so comfortable!  I will say photo shoots are harder than they look.  It's not like they just snap one shot of you doing a push up on a medicine ball.  You need to hold this pose for longer than one would think and I was shaking like a leaf! My favorite outfit of the day was by far the Guru K bra.  This is the outfit featured on the front of their website (OMG SHUT THE FRONT DOOR...so so cooool).  It is so flattering and really comfortable. 

Overall, I am in awe that all of this went down within a matter of a few weeks.  My advice, go for what you want and refuse to settle. 

Post Show

It has been 11 days since Fitness New England and minus this insane bloat action going on...I feel freaking fantastic.  I have enjoyed my lax meals and maybe over done it here and there but it feels awesome to go out to dinner like a normal person again.  My energy levels are back and I have been feeling awesome during my workouts.  As I got closer and closer to the show my energy was dangling by a thread.  I took it easy from HIIT sprints to try and maintain my leg muscles and yesterday, for the first time in almost 3 weeks, I did HIIT sprints and it felt invigorating....never thought I would say that!

My body is all out of whack...I have been eating clean all during the week and I have this baby bloat that just won't go away.  When you compete your body is on a roller coaster towards the end.  You restrict and then all of sudden go cray cray with treats that I think my body is trying to play catch up.  I need to give my body time to adjust back to all foods I am re-incorporating...nut butters, almond milk, Greek yogurt, more starches and fruits. 

This past weekend we went out to my favorite Italian restaurant and needless to say I did not order off any sort of skinny menu.  Chicken Marsala and a heaping piece of carrot cake for this girl.  Pretty much felt like death afterwards but I needed to get it out of my system.  My sugar cravings are pretty wild right now so I am trying to find clean alternatives to fill these urges.  After seeing the lean muscle I was able to put on in my off season I really want to continue to build and see where it can take me.  When looking to add lean muscle especially, if cardio is reduced, my eating has to be clean.  I am not perfect and nor will my eating buttt I need to make an effort to pick healthier cheats. 

Last night I came down with a chocolate craving so what do I do? I have no candy or sweets in the house to binge on...so here's my concoction...guarantee if you take the time to make one..and eat it..you won't want a candy bar.

1/2 cup non fat Greek yogurt
1 tsp chocolate powdered PB
1 T sugar free choc pudding (not clean...but it's 1 T..not the end of the world)
smidge of unsweetened almond milk

Let sit in the fridge for like 20 mins

I added 4 frozen cherries (will prob omit next time..not impressed)
1 T Better Butter (something like that..it's PB from whole foods HIGHLY RECOMMEND)
smidge of Walden Farms choc syrup (will omit this too if I make again)

SO FREAKING GOOD!! It taste like a bad treat that I should have felt super guilty over but when I broke it down not as bad as I thought.  Carbs a little higher than I would like for at night and sugars but better than a snickers bar and 16g of protein!

Goals:

It's important to set some short term and long term goals after a show so you don't wind up planted on a couch covered in potato chip crumbs. 

Short term:  I was offered a free photo shoot from David Brazier Photography!  Super excited about this and with all the money I spend..Free is good for meeee :) Excited to give a photo shoot another go.  I felt SUPER awkward at my first shoot so I am hoping this one is more relaxed.  I will be shooting with my friend Amy so hoping we can get some great shots!

Competitions: Have a show in mind for the fall.  Not ready to fully announce since who knows what will happen between now and then but I will be training...and training hard.  I will need to add some solid muscle if I select this show and it's really exciting to think about.  I have NEVER in my life been muscular or had tone and seeing the results of my hard work is really awesome and makes me want to work that much harder. 

Fitness New England Re-Cap

Seriously, where do I even begin?! Last week was the longest and shortest weeks' of my life..if that makes any sense. The week of show diet is brutal and draining and needless to say I feel like a new woman incorporating my starches and fruits ect back into my diet within the past two days. Let's break down the weekend, shall we?

Thursday 4/25:

Once my half day at work was complete I did my last minute errands: pedi, posed for about an hour at the gym, bought my goodies for post-show and got my spray tan. I absolutely love the spray from Beleza Spa...it got me pretty dark that I only needed 4 coats of the Jan Tana high definition stage tan. I looked like an absolute MANIACCCCC after I got sprayed. There is a bronzing agent that washes off when you shower the next day...but until you shower..prepare to look like you were stuck in a chimney for a few hours.

Packing for an overnight show is seriously stressful. The thought of forgetting something is terrifying and between all of my stuff and Amy's stuff it looked like we were moving.

Friday 4/26:

I woke up so early on Friday because I could barely sleep. My nerves were through the roof and I just wanted to get the show on the road. I hate being by myself..just waiting...my mind wonders and I envision myself twirling off the stage or getting stuck in my cape. We left around noon and were at the Grand Pequot in no time. Six women in one room....let me repeat...six women with equally the same amount of crap in one room. I have to say it was a blast...night before the show is nerve-racking to say the least so to have the comic relief of six women all staying together was great.

We checked into our room and then scoped out the registration scene at the Fox Theater. We were able to check out the stage, which I had been DYING to do. It never hurts to ask and when I asked the tech guy if we could go on stage he said...sure go ahead. I was elated and ran like giddy school girl up the stairs and on to the stage. It was nice to get a feel for the stage and spatially how much room I had for my walk.

This was probably one of the most intimidating things I have ever done in my life. Showing up Friday, no makeup, and seeing girlsdoing shoots all glammed up...I thought to myself...am I really ready for this? One gorgeous fit girl after the next and my brain was on overload from over analyzing literally everyone that walked past me. I had to take a deep breath and stop worrying about everyone else and start focusing on the only thing I have control over...myself!

Lights out at 11pm and from there no turning back.....

Saturday 4/27 DAY OF SHOW!!!

4:30 AM....alarms chiming and the girls are all wide awake. Hair and make-up was at 6:00 AM and I managed to get my final coat of tanner on before my appointment. Team Body Ambition was using Jenny Karl for our hair and make-up services and I was so impressed. My make-up was flawless and seriously lasted ALL DAY. My hair was BIG and off my face just like I asked for and I had touch ups all day. Once the glam process was over, we had our competitor meeting. There were so many bikini girls that they decided to break up the divisions into Short, Medium, Medium Tall and Tall. I found myself in medium tall (5'4 - 5'6) which really was a game changer.


 Prelmins started at 1pm and Bikini Theme wear was first up! Ugh..not thrilled about this since my nerves were on overdrive and the cape being first gave me even more anxiety. There I was..standing at the edge of the curtain...LUMP the size of Texas in my throat...just waiting for my moment. The funny thing is...as soon as I step into the spotlight my nerves subside. For some strange reason...I am fully in the moment...I look people directly in the eye...and just go for it. From there, it was model club wear and then sportswear. The day felt long and knowing that the finals had not even started was a bit daunting. My back felt like someone had hit it with a sledge hammer and my feet were cramping every time I had to put my shoes on.

Med Tall Class

6pm..Finals had begun. I was so so excited to wear my bikini, made by the FABULOUS Sherry Sonier from Sherry's Originals. I truly felt beautiful and could not wait to get back on stage. Once the bikini round was over I had model bikini which was right before the awards. The awards started and the anxiety started to come back in full force. Model was judged first...and the funny thing...I thought if I place in anything, I would place in model and not in bikini when initially signing up for this show. The top five were called and ....wamp wamp...no dice. I started questioning everything from that point on. Placing is not everything but I had such a good feeling all day and then I was just in the dark.

Finally, bikini awards for my division, Medium Tall, were starting. I walked out there nervous as hell not knowing what was about to happen. The 5th, 4th, 3rd place awards were called and I was still standing in the lineup. My heart was racing a mile a minute as the 2nd place was called and it wasn't me.....as I waited there thinking..could this really be happening...my name was called for 1st place and I could have died. Standing up there...holding a first place trophy...probably for the 1st time in my entire life. I mean I think I may have won 1st place at an art show once in college but that really is about it.

I still don't think it's really sunk in that the show is over and I walked away actually winning. On the flip side it's kind of of scary winning first place especially in a division that I don't think actually existed before Saturday. Where do you go from here ...? Have I set myself up so that it can really only go downhill? I keep having to slap myself when thinking those thoughts and just appreciate it for what it is.

I am so grateful and appreciative for my coach, Janelle Nicolo. She really has given me the confidence and added flair to get on that stage and feel like a rock star. My body looked better this time around as I have built muscle in my off season with her training plan. She pulled everyone aside Friday night and I think we can all admit it was a really touching moment. She wrote personalized notes to each of us and it made me so proud to have her as my coach. She works hard for everything she does and made sure each and every one of us felt like a million bucks.



So what's next? Mentally and physically I need to re-group. I am exhausted but motivated to improve my physique in the off season. I have a show in mind for my next go but I will keep it under wraps until I make a final decision. My goal is to always improve and bring a better package to the stage so stay tuned

 
Love,


Not so Wanna B Bikini Queen :)